Ambition (or the lack there of), Baby Mommas, Envy and other rantings…

Green with Envy

When you’re in love with someone, you accept everything that comes with them.

The good.
The bad.
The ugly.
The baby momma.

Eh, poor English, but what can I say?

Before I came along and brought beauty to his life, Tony was previously married. The young woman had been a part of his life since they were children. They were best friends, grew up together, fell in love and eventually decided that marriage was a good choice for them. Later, Tony decided that marriage and family was an incredibly good choice for HIM, but that his wife had different ideas. From lying and cheating, to bamboozling him about the daughter he’d grown to love, to changing her sexual preference altogether, the uproot to Tony’s life and heart and perspective on marriage and honest relationships was in ruins. He never thought that he’d be divorced. He expected to grow old with someone, but the mistrust and downright sinister behavior of his now ex-wife closed him off for a while.

During our earlier dating stages, Tony shared with me that he believed the Creator heard his prayer when I came along into his life. He recalled standing at a bus stop, waiting to get home and being overcome with so much emotion about losing the life he thought he was building, that he cried out “Please, God. Just take this pain and burden from me!” About a year later, I showed up to his doorstep.

Since our connection, we’ve built an incredible and respectful life together. We’ve experienced traveling to other countries with friends, purchased vehicles, dreamed large, watched the universe conspire with us to make our dreams come true. Finally, we’ve decided to get married. Above all things, we’ve been richly blessed with a circle of friends that are open-minded, adventurous, excellent planners, travel junkies and AMBITIOUS. On any given week, I’m surrounded by folks that have activated the “Yes, I can and WILL” button in their lives. Tony and I have activated that button in our lives as well.

Now that all of that background subtext has been exposed (with permission), let me bring you up to speed. Let me briefly interject by saying that I think it’s incredibly important to share REAL LIFE, human stories with folks. Being a local figure, folks get the erroneous idea that my life is void of drama. Moreover, folks project their own insecurities on to me to make themselves feel better. No judgement. Just telling it like it is. I think there is a valuable lesson in sharing our personal and authentic experiences. It provides us all an opportunity to grow and see the humanity in each other.

Tangent over, here’s the story:

Tony and I spent quite a bit of time in prayer determining if we should file a paternity suit against the ex-wife so that he’d no longer have to pay child support on a daughter he truly loves, but who was visably NOT his child. We came to the decision that since he’d been in her life the entire 9 years, we’d pay the support and seek out visitation (the ex-wife kept Tony from his daughter for over 2 years, despite his active and painful pursuit to see her). The courts agreed and we were rewarded visitation every other weekend. The first 3 weekends have been incredible. Our daughter is a bright spot in a shadowed world. She is girlie and has a zeal and zest for life that’s infectious. She’s in tune with the world around her, with Guardian spirits. She is a dreamer with a smile that melts the stoniest hearts. She is madly in love with her Father and was thrilled to be reconnected with him.

We’ve exposed our daughter to many facsinating things and people. Culture and community. Beach dates and positive-energied folks. Poetry and music. Things that her mother has not had the opportunity or, in some cases, inclination to provide. Make no mistake about it, I’m not being rude or malicious. Our daughter’s mother has done a fabulous job raising her. But, she (the ex-wife), lacks ambition from anything other than hood shit. Some of that is upbringing. However, Tony speaks often of how he wanted to expose his ex-wife to the world and he often found his dreams crushed/told they were too lofty/told they were rich-folks dreams to the point that he’d stopped dreaming for a minute. Anyway, our daughter has been so excited about these rich new experiences that she runs home every other weekend to share these stories with her mother and her partner. Beautiful, right?

We thought so.

Glad we don’t get paid to think.

The ex-wife/baby momma has become so envious of the life that we’re exposing our daughter to that she literally calls to cuss Tony out about it. Words, like daggers, dig into him as she spews her hatred of him because he “thinks he’s better than her.” “You want to buy her stuff? Buy your child everything.” “You want visitation? Let me inconvenience your entire schedule so that you can feel what I feel.”

No lie, we’d love to spend more time with our daughter. We love the ground she walks on. However, all four adults (Tony & me; The ex-wife and her girlfriend) need to get an honest and working schedule going when visits are going to be extended. The ex-wife is blurred by envy and lack of ambition. She’s refused (wish I had that luxury) to get a job or to further her education. While married to Tony, she TOLD him she wasn’t going to work; that she wanted to be a stay at home mother. My question is this: How can you be a stay at home momma in the hood? Further, how can you be a stay at home momma with no diploma or degree or skills? Is that what you want for yourself? Why waste the energy being angry with Tony for seeking to improve his quality of life, and being noble enough to raise a child that is NOT his seed, instead of getting up, getting out and doing something with your own life?

The harbored resentment that she has because Tony upgraded to the Phoenix model, has now got us wondering why we ever even agreed to this. My husband-to-be is pained with the idea that doing the noble thing may not always be the right thing and I am left wondering why folks are cool with mediocrity.

The one Kryptonite for me is the notion of being ordinary. It brings bile to my throat. It makes me start to shapeshift. It drives me insane.

I won’t judge the ex-wife for being cool with being envious, for lacking ambition, for being a stereotypical baby momma. I will say that there is a precious 9 year old girl who has the opportunity to lead an advantaged life that is caught in the crossfire of all of that drama.

The one prayer the ex-wife had was to get some relief. Tony and I came bearing gifts. The ex-wife had NOTHING and ridicules and rips our gifts to shreds. The child suffers.

Somebody needs to be praying.

Grown folks need to stop counting their disappointments and learn that every time we wake up on this side of life, that we’re being given an opportnity to change and do better. Change and do better. Don’t hate. Don’t stop the children from getting exposed to better. Want more and better for the future leaders than what you had growing up. Pursue better than what you had to make your parents proud.

More importantly, Sis – stop hurting the folks that want to provide you with the very relief that you need.

Grow up, folks if you are also falling into this riculous pattern.

That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Yo Gurl,




  1. Tonē · August 7, 2010

    So I take it since you put it out there and didn’t block comments I can

    As difficult as it might be, we have to remember people have their…capacities. Her “hate” or “resentment” probably stem from something a lot deeper. I would venture to guess she is more afraid of failure than being a straight up hater. What’s important is the reason behind the hate. She most likely at some point in life (maybe even still) wanted more. Likely even when she was with you fiance. I think most of the time when people have the ” you want too much” approach it’s more like ” i would try but I firmly believe I will fall on my ass and embarrass myself. Furthermore, YOU will probably be successful and see my failure and love me less and/ or resent me for not being as good as you” syndrome going on. If she is as hood as you say she has probably been surrounded by failure all her life. When she saw something different it probably seemed least for her.

    Now she must watch (possibly her own dreams or a version of it) being lived out by people she may deem more capable of such things, with her daughter. Now whose fear just got bumped up a notch of being a failure in her child’s eyes?

    No parent wants to go from being respected and adored by their child to losing respect and seeing the twinkle in the eye become dim and only light up when she returns home with stories that multiply her own failures or rather..lack of success.

    Now she watches this cute chick who can sing and write and works with prisoners claiming her child…how painful. “is there anything this bitch can’t do??!!”

    I firmly believe there are lazy people, but also that there are people who are afraid to fall/fail.

    Your success and positivity scream at her. (secretly her brain whispers you are judging her behind her back. What are you poisoning her child against her with?) And she becomes more afraid with each trip her child takes.

    Not sure what you can do when someone has issues that deeply rooted.

    • jeangraesalterego · August 7, 2010

      This was incredibly insightful. I 100% respect your viewpoint on this and sincerely appreciate the commentary. Girl…you are the bomb!

  2. Tamara M Lots · August 7, 2010

    That was awesome!! Very well spoken, very well written!! As you neared the bottom, of your story I thought about the scripture in Matthew that says “Don’t throw your pearls to swine”….Selah

  3. Rebecca · August 7, 2010

    I love you phoenix.

    I was going to make some comments along the lines of what Tone said but they need not be repeated because they were stated so honestly and candidly. I’ll keep it to this…

    ” the idea that doing the noble thing may not always be the right thing ” – this may be true and is an interesting twist to explore. My thought as I read this though, was the the noble thing AND the right thing or usually characterized by being hard- sometimes ridiculously so. what’s best for the young one in the end? Sounds like this woman could use healing and healing happens best through love (I believe). This all takes an inconvienient amount of time… But time is change in one way or another, and when change starts on the inside it’s unseen for awhile, especially when defenses are up. This woman has a persective and story that, to her, justifies all her behaviors.

    Peace love.

  4. Rebecca · August 7, 2010

    Sorry there were so many grammatical/ spelling mistakes in the above comment. My excuse is that I’m using my phone and the screen is cracked… Because of my own unfortunate moment of mishandled hurt when I threw my phone at the wall…

  5. mscoffey · August 7, 2010

    Wow! Reading this was like what my husband and I are going through with our grand child. The mother has the same mentality as the woman you describe. I can relate to what Tone is saying. We just have to leave the situation in the hands of the Lord and let him work it out. This kind of situation particularly when children are involved can really weigh on your heart. I went through a period where the drama was constantly back and forth all the time, which was not good for the child. In our case the child is constantly cussed out and degraded, sometimes even in public. I can understand that she never experience a good childhood, but shouldn’t we want better for our children? that doesn’t necessarily mean buying them everything they want, but want about the parent trying at least to better herself by getting that diploma or seeking a job instead of waiting for the state to take care of you. You envy the other parent or the grandparents that don’t want the child or children to be a product of their environment so you try to make things better for them, by taking them on vacation and making sure they get on the football team, and they go to vacation bible school, or they go to the zoo. I think it is plain selfish to make the children suffer because her parents didn’t expose them to a good life. Yes, our grand child does go home with that same excitement about what he has here or where he has gone. We have raised him most of his life and now she was to break up the relationship we have built with him. It’s too late for that now! We just continue to pray and know that in due time, what ever is right God will pay.

  6. Tonē · August 8, 2010

    thanks phoenix. my apologies that in all that there were no solutions.

  7. *MyGodComPlex* · August 11, 2010

    Don’t stop Phoenix… You and Tony are doing the right this for the child… That’s what matters…

    And who knows… Your actions may actually inspire the mother to make changes in her own life…


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