When you’re in love with someone, you accept everything that comes with them.
The baby momma.
Eh, poor English, but what can I say?
Before I came along and brought beauty to his life, Tony was previously married. The young woman had been a part of his life since they were children. They were best friends, grew up together, fell in love and eventually decided that marriage was a good choice for them. Later, Tony decided that marriage and family was an incredibly good choice for HIM, but that his wife had different ideas. From lying and cheating, to bamboozling him about the daughter he’d grown to love, to changing her sexual preference altogether, the uproot to Tony’s life and heart and perspective on marriage and honest relationships was in ruins. He never thought that he’d be divorced. He expected to grow old with someone, but the mistrust and downright sinister behavior of his now ex-wife closed him off for a while.
During our earlier dating stages, Tony shared with me that he believed the Creator heard his prayer when I came along into his life. He recalled standing at a bus stop, waiting to get home and being overcome with so much emotion about losing the life he thought he was building, that he cried out “Please, God. Just take this pain and burden from me!” About a year later, I showed up to his doorstep.
Since our connection, we’ve built an incredible and respectful life together. We’ve experienced traveling to other countries with friends, purchased vehicles, dreamed large, watched the universe conspire with us to make our dreams come true. Finally, we’ve decided to get married. Above all things, we’ve been richly blessed with a circle of friends that are open-minded, adventurous, excellent planners, travel junkies and AMBITIOUS. On any given week, I’m surrounded by folks that have activated the “Yes, I can and WILL” button in their lives. Tony and I have activated that button in our lives as well.
Now that all of that background subtext has been exposed (with permission), let me bring you up to speed. Let me briefly interject by saying that I think it’s incredibly important to share REAL LIFE, human stories with folks. Being a local figure, folks get the erroneous idea that my life is void of drama. Moreover, folks project their own insecurities on to me to make themselves feel better. No judgement. Just telling it like it is. I think there is a valuable lesson in sharing our personal and authentic experiences. It provides us all an opportunity to grow and see the humanity in each other.
Tangent over, here’s the story:
Tony and I spent quite a bit of time in prayer determining if we should file a paternity suit against the ex-wife so that he’d no longer have to pay child support on a daughter he truly loves, but who was visably NOT his child. We came to the decision that since he’d been in her life the entire 9 years, we’d pay the support and seek out visitation (the ex-wife kept Tony from his daughter for over 2 years, despite his active and painful pursuit to see her). The courts agreed and we were rewarded visitation every other weekend. The first 3 weekends have been incredible. Our daughter is a bright spot in a shadowed world. She is girlie and has a zeal and zest for life that’s infectious. She’s in tune with the world around her, with Guardian spirits. She is a dreamer with a smile that melts the stoniest hearts. She is madly in love with her Father and was thrilled to be reconnected with him.
We’ve exposed our daughter to many facsinating things and people. Culture and community. Beach dates and positive-energied folks. Poetry and music. Things that her mother has not had the opportunity or, in some cases, inclination to provide. Make no mistake about it, I’m not being rude or malicious. Our daughter’s mother has done a fabulous job raising her. But, she (the ex-wife), lacks ambition from anything other than hood shit. Some of that is upbringing. However, Tony speaks often of how he wanted to expose his ex-wife to the world and he often found his dreams crushed/told they were too lofty/told they were rich-folks dreams to the point that he’d stopped dreaming for a minute. Anyway, our daughter has been so excited about these rich new experiences that she runs home every other weekend to share these stories with her mother and her partner. Beautiful, right?
We thought so.
Glad we don’t get paid to think.
The ex-wife/baby momma has become so envious of the life that we’re exposing our daughter to that she literally calls to cuss Tony out about it. Words, like daggers, dig into him as she spews her hatred of him because he “thinks he’s better than her.” “You want to buy her stuff? Buy your child everything.” “You want visitation? Let me inconvenience your entire schedule so that you can feel what I feel.”
No lie, we’d love to spend more time with our daughter. We love the ground she walks on. However, all four adults (Tony & me; The ex-wife and her girlfriend) need to get an honest and working schedule going when visits are going to be extended. The ex-wife is blurred by envy and lack of ambition. She’s refused (wish I had that luxury) to get a job or to further her education. While married to Tony, she TOLD him she wasn’t going to work; that she wanted to be a stay at home mother. My question is this: How can you be a stay at home momma in the hood? Further, how can you be a stay at home momma with no diploma or degree or skills? Is that what you want for yourself? Why waste the energy being angry with Tony for seeking to improve his quality of life, and being noble enough to raise a child that is NOT his seed, instead of getting up, getting out and doing something with your own life?
The harbored resentment that she has because Tony upgraded to the Phoenix model, has now got us wondering why we ever even agreed to this. My husband-to-be is pained with the idea that doing the noble thing may not always be the right thing and I am left wondering why folks are cool with mediocrity.
The one Kryptonite for me is the notion of being ordinary. It brings bile to my throat. It makes me start to shapeshift. It drives me insane.
I won’t judge the ex-wife for being cool with being envious, for lacking ambition, for being a stereotypical baby momma. I will say that there is a precious 9 year old girl who has the opportunity to lead an advantaged life that is caught in the crossfire of all of that drama.
The one prayer the ex-wife had was to get some relief. Tony and I came bearing gifts. The ex-wife had NOTHING and ridicules and rips our gifts to shreds. The child suffers.
Somebody needs to be praying.
Grown folks need to stop counting their disappointments and learn that every time we wake up on this side of life, that we’re being given an opportnity to change and do better. Change and do better. Don’t hate. Don’t stop the children from getting exposed to better. Want more and better for the future leaders than what you had growing up. Pursue better than what you had to make your parents proud.
More importantly, Sis – stop hurting the folks that want to provide you with the very relief that you need.
Grow up, folks if you are also falling into this riculous pattern.
That’s all I’ve got to say about that.