So, it’s probably going to take me another week to get over it. Although, admittedly everything in me wants this particular phase to be over now so that I can get on with the business of living a fabulous life.
I’ve got that “not-so-fresh” feeling regarding my wedding. It’s probably because I’m surrounded by douche bags.
When Tony and I first started this journey, I wanted to do one of two things: Elope with 17 friends witnessing our nuptials in the Dominican Republic or go down to the court house and get it over with. In my mind, there was no real need for a wedding because my husband-to-be is an incredible gift by himself. He wanted all of this. Not wanting to deny him anything, I agreed – only if it was a small event.
Something magical began to happen to me as I considered locations, dates, colors and themes. I was actually enjoying all of this “I’m gonna be a bride and plan a wedding” shit. It was kind of hectic, super emotional, but all good. I concluded that Tony was right – we absolute SHOULD HAVE a wedding.
I called my mother to share the news with her and she was as excited as a dead possum on the side of the road. She completely loves Tony, but she’s never been Clair Huxtable. The one thing from my mother that has been souring about the wedding is the fact that even with a one year notice, she’s still able to come up with reasons why she might not be able to fly/drive into Detroit to see her first born get married. Then when you add my stepfather into the mix it’s a whole ‘notha Oprah and incredibly painful.
Downer? It gets better. Yeah, right.
Between the two of us, Tony and I probably know or are related to a small country. The stress over our guest list is STILL an ongoing issue for us. We feel like there is no way that we shouldn’t invite such and such and so and so – which extends the list WAAAY too far. And takes away from small and intimate and sacred.
What’s worse is that folks that we haven’t seen or heard from or even know very well have already sat their rude asses in a seat to see how “phoenix” is gonna get it done. They completely push aside how sacred and very serious all of this is to me, to tell me OFF when I let them know that my budget and my desires for my day won’t allow for their presence – though I’d be thrilled to have them continue to be a part of my life. Attitudes and noses turned up like someone ate a pound of greens and farted so hard that they should’ve taken a dump. Incredibly painful and insensitive.
I thought this was supposed to be about me and Tony. I guess it’s truly about all of our family and friends who barely call to check on us or come and see us, but demand our time and attention when they are going through a crisis. Don’t I get to have one day where it’s not about me being your friend or relative, but it’s just about me? Shaun. Finally getting her due – happiness. How about the idea that I’m marrying a white cat that I couldn’t love more? Who thought that would ever happen?
Thank you for your fucking selflessness. I soooo appreciate you.
Oh, it gets so much better!
I’ve had two friends during the course of this journey blurt out (not tell me politely over the phone, or invite me out so that we could set a different tone and soften the blow) how they were hurt or offended or bothered or unnerved or whatever the fuck they were that they weren’t playing a starring role in the wedding. And let me say this, I totally get it. I completely understand where both of these folks were coming from considering how much they mean to me. What bothered me was two things: the way they both gave me the information and how they acted towards me when I was completely unaware that they’d been offended. Had the info been given to me a different way – trusting the strength of our relationship – I would have been more than willing to find alternatives or create alternatives or at least acknowledge their feelings and explain why I chose to plan my wedding the way that I did. Instead, I’ve been avoiding their phone calls and emails because I need a moment to recover from the blow and to remember that 1) we’re friends, 2) all of our feelings are valid, and 3)there’s a whole lot of life ahead of us to share. They’ll get over it and so will I. But, I’m not over it yet. I’m really, really pissed and seriously hurt.
All of this led to a lengthy conversation with my husband-to-be. I revisited the subject of an elopement to find out that he was all too ready to concede that it was a good idea. He’s been catching hell from his friends and family also. Douches.
Both of us shared battle scars on how we’re both stunned at how insensitive some folks are being about OUR day.
It should be an honor just to be there. Nothing more. We want you THERE for the biggest moment of our lives.
My friend, James said that we can’t be mad at the sense of entitlement that some folks feel towards us. We feel it towards them. James said what we should be salty about (if anything) is the timing of folks’ behavior. He acknowledged that he’s felt some kind of way about his other friends tying the knot, but he would never say it to them before they walked down the aisle and would only consider saying it at some point after the wedding. He looked at Tony with an apologetic smile and said, “There is just some shit you keep to yourself and never say to the bride. Weddings are stressful enough without the added stress of friends and family.” I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve bounced back a little, though. I’m stepping into forgiveness. Stepping – not all the way there yet. I’m still staring at the walls in disbelief thinking about the shit people feel comfortable saying to me.
Yep, still stepping.
CLEARLY not there yet.
This mess has kept me up – like literally sobbing – for days and may have contributed to the bad reaction I got from my medicine this week. Crying over some shit that has NOTHING to do with why I’m getting married in the first place.
My baby sister and husband-to-be told me that I’ve spent more time putting out the fires of other people’s angst than I’ve actually put into planning my wedding that is only 8 months away. In my boy David Earle’s voice, “DREADFUL.”
Tony and I have decided that we’re not going to halt having the dream wedding that we want, but we ARE cutting the guest list completely in half. With all of the drama, we’ve been able to immediately decide who should be in attendance for our day and who really should not. I had a chance to try on some gowns with my girls, found one, had lunch, took pictures and went to a craft store dream of centerpieces.
That’s what I should be focusing on.
Centerpieces and dresses and my man’s face when he sees me radiant and happy to be marrying the most consistent person in my life right now.
I should be focusing on all types of girlie stuff like Henna and jewelry and to wear/not to wear heels.
I should be remembering that if no one shows up and if no one gets over themselves, that I’m building what’s looking to be an incredible new life with a man who I said “yes” to and who said “yes” to me.
When I think of those things, I feel a little less sour and a lot more like a bride. I remember that my friends and family actually love me. I remember that I love them.
When this whole ordeal blows over – I still will.
I just had to get this hurt and disappointment off of my chest. For a minute, my wedding experience was completely ruined. Then I thought about my husband-to-be and checked myself.
I’m gonna take this medicine, hope it doesn’t wear me out, and maybe get a real night’s sleep – even though it’s already after two in the morning.
Love yawl. Thanks for reading.