The Samantha Jones Syndrome

Samantha Jones is a character!

Ty and I were having lunch the other day. We spent that time reaffirming our love for each other, playing catch up, forgiving each other – you know friendship, stuff. We then got into this conversation about marriage, relationships and Samantha Jones.

Oh, Samantha. You twenty-first century rock star. You “run these men how they run us” heroine. You character, you.

You’ve got all of these sisters out here believing that they can transform into you, Girl. They think that they can duplicate your crazy ass antics in real life and they can NOT.

I’m all into women’s lib and feminism and pro-woman. Really, Samantha, I am.

I’m into naughty acts in the bedroom and every now and again, Jade (my inner freak) wants to really go THERE. But, Samantha, most women are cut from a different cloth. Screwing every available man on a whim is not how a lot of us are built. I mean, we say it on the stages when we perform our poetry. We smoke Djarums and sip cosmos and throw caution to the wind like our sexuality and choices are badges of honor. We scream out to the masses how they are way too old school for us; how they don’t understand how absolutely liberating all of this sexual revolution is. But, Samantha, they forgot the one important note that you gave us through every season of Sex and the City: You weren’t looking for LOVE. You were looking for great sex.

Most of the sisters I know who profess this very laid back attitude about themselves, can’t deny the fact that they indeed ARE looking for love.

What would be an even better admission is that sometimes women who are so desperate for a love to call their own, make some really poor choices like:

Late night booty calls just so that the other side of the bed won’t be cold.

Giving and serving and waiting on some brother who loves the attention that we’re giving him, but doesn’t really loves us.

Sacrificing or downplaying our talent to make the brother we’re dealing with feel good about himself or to downplay his mediocrity.

Giving up our bodies in the hopes that we have that “golden coochie” that’s going to make him see all of the other amazing qualities that we possess and finally, FINALLY make us HIS.

Oh sisters, I’m sharing with you the stuff I know. Like up close and personal. It led to so much grief and guilt and feelings of low self esteem and loss of self and self worth. I felt so empty after every escapade. I began to put so much information about myself out in the open on FIRST dates that it merely highlighted my desperation and fatigue with the entire love process. Brothas were either racing away from my company because I needed way more than they were willing to offer or they were hopping in and out of my bed and then racing off into the sunset.

Ty became so exhausted with the emotional highs and lows of these moments. I would share each horror story with him while crying over cocktails. He, exasperated, made the ultimate suggestion: S l o w down. Spend a little time alone with myself and end my search for “Mr Right” immediately.

I know what you thinking, you fabulous diva, you! If you spend one more moment alone with yourself, you’ll go mad. But, I promise you – you won’t.

Will it be hard? Yes.

Will there be moments when you cry or sit in disbelief at what appears to be loneliness? Yes.

Will you begin to discover the things that you like about yourself, hidden talents, and dreams and goals that have been shelved (that don’t include you chasing after a man)? Yes.

Will you randomly get invited to weddings and have to resist the urge to throw up in the lap of friends who douse you with their lovey dovey happiness? Yes.

But, if you pause, celebrate some of the happiness of others, relinquish the statistics that magazines fill your head with about the ratio of men to women and all of that other bullshit and just relish in the fact that goodness belongs to you – you will actually DRAW what you truly want to yourself.

One of my very close girlfriends has been sharing with me the power of visualization. I know it sounds all metaphysical and stuff, but just go with me. Do you know how incredible that gift is? Do you realize how so many of us don’t use that divine power inside of us? We’re so afraid of success; so afraid of actually getting EXACTLY what we want, that we mentally and spiritually block it from ourselves by settling.

Settling into miscellaneous jobs that don’t highlight our talent.

Settling with miscellaneous people who don’t add anything but their drama to our lives.

Settling for far less than what we’re worth, because we don’t take a real inventory on what we’re really worth.

Samantha makes everything seem so blase because Samantha is a fucking (excuse me) character with a script. Real life IS fabulous – but not that fabulous.

You still have to take a hot shower and purge out all of those brothers that are swimming around up in there and deal with YOURSELF.

If love is truly your heart’s desire, understand that love of self is not as automatic as you think. The same love that you want to pour into someone else, you have to – HAVE TO – pour into yourself.

Then you have to visualize what you want. Not WHO you want. But, what attributes you want in a partner.

And then, I dare you – No, I double dog dare you, to watch the universe bend to bring you exactly what you want and need!

I love yawl, and I’m sharing the very secret that worked for me!

With 249 days left to my wedding day, I’m signing off!

Yo Gurl,



  1. Jah X-El · September 7, 2010

    …I’m diggin’ the perspective and jewels of insight sprinkled through out

    Write on Phoenix…

    • jeangraesalterego · September 7, 2010

      Respect, Brotha. Thanks! Looks like you’ve been doing some writing too.

  2. Deekah Wyatt · September 7, 2010

    LOVELOVELOVELOVE THIS!! Phoenix…. Black Woman….YOU ROCK!!! And congratulations again, to the both of you! You’ll get about 200 more of those from me in the days to come.. 😉

  3. Mr. Sawyer · September 7, 2010

    I’m glad you wrote this blog. As a man, it’s a little annoying to see all these feminist walking around trying to be these bad ass sex machines, who screw any dude they want and throw caution to the wind. Next thing ya know you see sad Facebook updates, and public tears.

    You personally know, I’d never date anyone in our little Detroit sub culture because while I’m not directly involved in it like a lot of other people, I am close enough with “some” who make that kind of interaction amongst my peers seem like incest to me.

    I wish some of these women adopted that mind set.

    My observations are of desperate women who make COMPLETELY inappropriate advances towards men, and in the same breathe demand the respect of a queen. Lol. Oh the folly of some people!

    In the movie “Maybe he’s just not that into You” one of the male characters told a desperate young lady something mind blowing. He told her that if I guy truly wants to be with you (in that lovey dovey way) then there is nothing he won’t do to make that happen.

    Ms. Moore tell these women stop playing themselves.

    At the end of the day men want ladies. Strong ladies yes, but ladies none the less. A real lady wouldn’t offer me a one night stand, not even as a joke. A real lady won’t tell me she misses my head game. A real lady won’t grope me in public and think it’s cute. That’s what hoes do or at least those who wear the uniform.

    Yo brotha


    • jeangraesalterego · September 7, 2010

      Ty, I told you I would! Our conversation was just too rich not to! When we started comparing notes, I was like “Hell naw, I’ve gotta put my girls up on this!” Thanks for being an awesome best friend and a truthful Mirror.

      Love ya, pookie!

  4. Whitney · September 7, 2010

    I’m NOT crying.
    I have allergies is all.

    • jeangraesalterego · September 7, 2010

      My fair Whitney, gurl if I could seriously count the number of cocktails and tears that I wasted on the actual behavior…let’s just say “Thank God I don’t have to go to AA and I trusted him.” Me and Ty talked about this a while. Even my sister and I had a few conversations about this from her perspective as a single mother. I think at some point, we all go through it – especially black women. The magazines seem to target us as the ones that will never get married. I don’t buy into the hype.

  5. Traci Currie · September 7, 2010

    Fabulous! Passing this blog on!

  6. Bertha · September 8, 2010

    Loved this!!! Keep it up and God bless you and your Pookie !!

  7. Laura · December 19, 2010

    I have to say that I totally agree with you. In fact, I can credit much of meeting my current, wonderful boyfriend with visualization. For the last several years I had been in a rut dating-wise, often for exactly the same reasons you mentioned; low self esteem; sharing too much out of self defense/ desperation; not believing anyone good was really going to come along. After the last disappointment in a long line of them, my friend suggested I do the visualization exercise where I listed my ideal 100 traits in a partner. It took me a surprisingly short amount of time, and guess what?! In a month I met my current boyfriend, and when I looked back at the list, he shared all my traits except for 3! Of course, this luck was pretty incredible, but I do think the visualization helped me focus on what I wanted rather than how I needed to impress people to like me. The key is to appreciate yourself, celebrate what you want, and go after it!!!

    • jeangraesalterego · December 26, 2010

      Laura, I was soooo encouraged by your comment. I’m so glad that you’re experiencing joy right now and I am so glad that we’ve reconnected!

  8. pirahnahead · July 13, 2011

    Phoenix… WOW!

    your influence is beyond amazing. Thank you – I needed this. Therefore, as often as possible, I take 7 days of silence, to listen to what my soul says – no matter how wounded, it speaks. As women have to learn these things – so do we men. All of us brothers. Get out of the ego and get into the ‘me’ glow. Spirit is all it was intended to be, Truth is all there ever was, and the ‘I’ in all of us is worthy of the ‘me’ we all speak about and set out on a journey to find. TELL IT TO THE MASSES!!!!! as you do well.. LuhY’All. congrats on the lifetime Union which is well deserved by both…Blessings… immahawla.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s