Loving To Death

I’ve been thinking a lot about life these days.

Like the actual concept of living, breathing, loving, experiencing, growing, internalizing and giving.

There has been for me, this very keen awareness of death and the transition to a new state of energy. These past few days, I’ve been wrestling with the fear of leaving before my time. I’ve been wrestling with my inability to control the time of my leaving. I’ve been wrestling with my part in the role that type-2 Diabetes has played in my life.

I wasn’t sure where the direction of this blog was going to go, so I won’t control. I believe it to be a prayer.

I feel like I’ve tried everything! Weight Watchers. Cabbage Diets. Cookie Diets (real smart for a Diabetic). The Atkins Diet. However, I have only experienced real results when Tony and I biked 2 summers ago (lost 40 pounds) and when I used to actively do Taebo every day (about 5 years ago). I have been presented with the realization that I am not as young as I used to be. I’m not old, but I’m not 25 either. More than ever, my health (physically, mentally and emotionally) has got to be a number one priority. When I look over at my husband each night, remembering all of the prayer and fasting and screaming and pleading I did with God in order to receive him, I am instantly quickened with the desire to do better.

However, love makes you so comfortable.

So comfortable, in fact, that I’ve spent my entire first year of marriage in a celebratory mode. These celebrations of a life well lived often include excessive amounts of food and drinks and the crazy notion that “I’ve got a husband. I’m not alone now. No matter what I look like, he’s still going to love me”. In my case, this is very true. No matter what I’m feeling on the inside, my husband reminds me of how attracted he is to me and chases me around the house! While this should be great; I didn’t wait all of these years to get married, just so I could die from over-indulging, and Diabetes, and lack of control, and disrespect for my temple to murk me before I even get to enjoy my life!

I have written a few blogs on my up and down journey to get well. This one is no different. I’m not certain if the jolt I received this afternoon is going to lead to a fully successful path of healing and actualizing the level of health I desire to have. What I do know is that I cannot stop pursuing this goal. I will not receive any negativity in any area of my life. Including my body. I have managed to literally actualize the life that I want – marriage, successful career path, my art opening doors for me, the strength and power of my influence – I have done this with very simple tools. None of these things matter if I’m dead.

So, I am praying for myself again.

Praying for my intention to actualize great health.

Praying not for a dress size, but for a lifestyle change.

There are worlds I want to explore, skinny margaritas that I want to sip in other countries, and many more experiences that I want to enjoy. I want to love and live with my husband until we become one of those old cute couples you see still in love with each other after 80 years. What I don’t want to do is love my husband or be loved…to death.

Just thought I’d open up my life a little. I’m looking forward to updating you on my progress. I am positively manifesting this change in my life – starting right now in this moment as Tony and I prepare for a TaeBo workout. What are you manifesting?

Live. Love. Be. Well.

Yo Gurl,
phoenix